Cazenovia Curmudgeon
By Donald Kruger
(Cazenovia, NY) In the bright light thus cast, I have a question for readers who, by the way, I’m sure are as delighted as I am to again have in our hands these pages of real paper to turn and printer’s ink to smell, no batteries required.
My question concerns two books that have been on the Times’ best-seller lists for way too many weeks – at this writing, one for 154 weeks, the other for 53. And wouldn’t you know it? They both describe visits to heaven.
Near-death experiences, so-called.
The one, now an almost three-year best-seller, is “Heaven is Real: A Little Boy’s Astounding Story of his Trip to Heaven & Back.” It’s by Todd Burpo with [Sarah Palin’s ghost writer] Lynn Vincent, as told to them by Todd’s son Colton. Published – I’m tempted to say, ‘of course’ – by Thomas Nelson. Not just “astounding,” but “breathtaking,” too, says the jacket blurb.
The story’s introductory quotation, from the New Testament, one of Jesus’s sayings, “I tell you the truth, unless you change ad become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven,” sets the tone for believing the kid’s story.
Or not.
At the time of telling, Colton Burpo is 3 years old, going on 4. It follows his hospital story and surgeries for a ruptured appendix plus serious complications.
Lots of anesthetics and assorted drugs.
Colton says, “I died, but just for a little bit.” Skeptics will say his visit to heaven was simply a medication, anesthetics especially, -induced hallucination. I know I had some “astounding” ones, albeit more adult than Colton’s, following open heart surgery. Quite real-seeming at the time.
Dad Todd says Colton isn’t making up the story of his experience in heaven: he tells of things that a 3-year-old wouldn’t know about. Maybe, but… Todd Burpo is pastor of the Crossroads Wesleyan Church in Imperial, Neb. Sounds Methodist, but more likely it’s one of those off-brand evangelical denominations. As described, the Burpos seem to be a hyper-religious family. Bible stories read to Colton every night at bedtime. Pleasant dreams. Sunday school. Religious pictures on the wall. Two services on Sundays. Wednesday night services. Youth meetings. Lots of prayers.
No escaping it all.
Little Colton probably has no friends whose parents are not part of the scene.
Colton makes friends in heaven – friends from his children’s bible stories and pictures. Sits in Jesus’s lap. Meets Jesus’s cousin, John the Baptist. And the virgin Mary, who acts like a – Jewish? – mother toward Jesus. Jesus has marks on his hands and tops of his feet, per the pictures. Never mind that the Roman’s drove the nails at the wrists: hands would not support a body’s weight. Everyone, except God and Jesus, has wings; Colton sports a small pair.
Everyone is dressed in white. Jesus wears a purple sash. God is larger than the others and sits on a larger throne than Jesus’s and the Holy Spirit’s. Colton has a little difficulty describing the Holy Spirit: “Hmm… That’s kind of a hard one … he’s kind of blue.”
And so it goes.
Golden gates of heaven, studded with pearls. Never gets dark.
“It’s where all the rainbow colors are.”
Speaking of which … Colton is home after hospital and heaven. One day, a rainbow appears in a cloudless, rainless sky.
“Cool. I prayed for that yesterday.”
Colton is now 12 and, besides church and school, is busy with the “…franchise.” Publisher Thomas Nelson has brought out a children’s Colton-visits-heaven book … with Colton-approved pictures; already a best-seller. Columbia will release a movie in 2014. He and his parents do the lecture and talk-show circuit. Maybe next a boy-preacher gig? TV and camp meetings?
You know, Colton could make an argument for reincarnation, more than a mere boy heaven-visitor. Reincarnation, say, of Marjoe Gortner, one-time child evangelist. Grew up to blow the whistle on the whole televangelist $cene. An Oscar-winning documentary with Marjoe as himself. Could be more profitable than book royalties.
I know. I’m a cynic. But borrow or rent the movie: “Marjoe,” (1972), directed by Howard Smith. See for yourself. Leonard Maltin says, “Marjoe himself is likable enough.” Gives the movie two-and-a-half stars.
Colton Burpo’s story – his bland and boring heaven – we can pass off as childhood fantasy, merely parroting children’s religious story-picture books. Different and more interesting – and more adult – is Ebon Alexander’s “Proof of Heaven: A Neurosurgeon’s Journey into the Afterlife,” published by Simon & Schuster, 2012, for sure not Thomas Nelson.
Fifty-three weeks and counting on the best-seller list. More variety in his version of heaven. He’s in a coma; clinically dead for a week… but…
Dead or not, he at first finds himself in a seriously unpleasant, yucky, mucky place. But he sees a bright light above, toward which he rises out of the brown muck … accompanied by beautiful music. He comes to a lush, green place with people in peasant garb, dogs playing. Then he’s flying on the wings of a giant butterfly, surrounded by hundreds of other butterflies. And the good part, there’s a beautiful woman beside him on his butterfly!
He and butterfly woman fly up, down and around, from lush to muck and back to lush. He doesn’t think of the five malpractice suits he’s lost; the Virginia Board of Medicine ordering him to take classes in ethics and professionalism or that he no longer has surgical privileges … comes out of his partially chemically-induced coma. Hallucinations? So what? He finds an agent, publishes his book, hits the talk shows, gets speaking gigs and book signings. Gives “Discover Your Own Proof of Heaven” web courses – at $60 a head. Leads paying customers on “healing journeys” to Greece. A Universal movie coming soon…
Shine on, shine on … Almost forgot – my question: What – or who – made the Times’ best seller list editor(s) put these books on the NON-fiction category?
Donald W. Krueger of Cazenovia is a retired professor and active contrarian. Readers can email him at madnews@m3pmedia.com.