From Here & Back Again
By Jim Coufal
(Cazenovia, NY – Sept. 2014) Frank Sinatra croons, “Regrets, I’ve had a few…” I suspect he’s lucky if he has had only a few. I also suspect that the older we get, the more we tally our regrets. Merriam-Webster says to have a regret is “to feel sorry about something you did or did not do.” Pretty straightforward, and enough to raise thoughts in most minds.
Although they often come to the fore as we get older, they can occur much earlier. I was about 10 when my cocker spaniel, Buff, got hit by a car. He seemed O.K., and walked to his sleeping box and laid down, just whimpering a bit. I was all primed to play in a ballgame, so I ran out and did.
When I got home I ran to his box. Buff was dead, my first experience with that feature of life. My tears were for Buff, but also because I didn’t stay with him, a thought that brings regrets 66 years later. Dumb kid.
Researchers have examined our common regrets. Think about it for a moment before reading on. I’ll just cover three studies of regrets, some with very specific items and others more broadly conceived.
Forbes has a list of 25 top regrets. Specifically, they note standing up to bullies, in youth or as an adult; not having the courage or confidence to do so.
This does not just refer to physical confrontation. Part of this is related to another common regret, worrying too much about what others think of me and yet another, living the life parents want of you instead of living the life you want.
A regret frequently mentioned was being too practical, as in choosing a job because it is better-paying, even if it is not the job you really want to spend your life doing. Two long-standing items include not overcoming the fear of public speaking, therefore leaving the discussions and decisions to others, and not learning another language.
A newer regret noted is not turning off or leaving home the ubiquitous cell phone. It’s easy to see how this latter regret comes about when two people sit across one from another over coffee and converse only with their phone.
Another study looked at people of many ages. Some of the top regrets they listed will no doubt ring your bell. Not quitting smoking sooner (by the way, 88 percent of former smokers regretted ever having smoked; the other 12 percent remain a question mark), gaining weight, not saving enough money and the related going into debt.
Educational regrets include not paying attention in school, not finishing a degree and picking the wrong school or program for the wrong reasons.
As noted in the Forbes study, regret was expressed for not being brave or confident enough, and, like the Forbes report, not staying in touch with family or friends was a common regret, including not making the attempt to bury the hatchet with someone who has become estranged.
Getting down to less-common regrets, 34 percent were sorry they had gone through fake tanning, more than those who expressed regret for having cheated on their spouse.
An item that occurred on these and many other studies was working too hard to the detriment of relations with family and friends; this seems to be commonly themed in books and soap operas.
The last study is perhaps the most interesting and telling.
A palliative care nurse kept careful notes of the words of her patients as they reached the end of their lives and then wrote a book. Here is her list of the top five regrets of these folks…
First, especially for men, working too much, at the expense of being with their family and friends. Second, not having the courage to live for themselves. Third, not staying in touch with friends and family. Fourth, not letting themselves be more happy; and, five, not expressing their true feelings.
It’s clear that for this age group, lost opportunities in relationships are what mattered most, even self-relations.
Going back to Frankie S., his song, titled “My Way,” included these words:
Regrets I’ve had a few
But then again too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception.
…I did it my way.
He sure had important common regrets nailed.
What are you regretting today? What will you regret when you are at the end of the road? Is there something to do today about your regrets?
Jim Coufal of Cazenovia is a part-time philosopher and full-time observer of global trends. He can be reached at madnews@m3pmedia.com.